My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.