Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”