You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.