My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
You Might Also Like
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.