[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: