I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
You Might Also Like
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver