Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
bias laundering edition
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.