Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Vodka burrito was a success
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.