During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan