[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.