Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”