Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on