How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?