How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
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My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.