Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
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Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI