Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
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How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like