Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
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COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well