“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?