there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
What if the weather talks about us?
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.