I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
getting groceries
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Last-minute gift idea!
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.