“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
the pigeons are already plenty salty
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.