[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.