You Might Also Like
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????