Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Miscakes
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.