i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
i can’t wait that long
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Risking my life for fun.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
worst…sale…ever
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?