Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
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The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains