@velvettusk

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

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@iwearaonesie

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

@SocialBitterfly

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

@iamburtjarvis

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@bodybycheezits

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

@DaddyJew

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

@UNDEADTRESOR

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

@causticbob

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

@OakHill_

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”