My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.