How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Bless you
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.