[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
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Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
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According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started