Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
You Might Also Like
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
(Jupiter –
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
These are too funny not to post 😂
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.