stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
You Might Also Like
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this