My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
You Might Also Like
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!