Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Feels
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off