you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
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Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
black phone good
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.