You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
You Might Also Like
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
(Electricians.)
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”