When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.