@AlexErnst

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

@mattZillaaaa

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

@KentWGraham

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@Prof_Hinkley

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

@murrman5

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

@bewgtweets

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@preritpathak

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.