crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out