Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
This probably isn’t good
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.