People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: