“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.