Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”