Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.