My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!