Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
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Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”