Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
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I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Encore…
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger