…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Strange
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp