…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.