I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
next level snooze