My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.