“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow