I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.