Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This is painfully accurate 😅
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air